Three times now have I opened up this blog to put words to the many thoughts that burst into my conscience from the moment I wake up in the morning until the time that I finally fall into sleep at night. I was a bit of a wimp to admit to others what my current struggles are because I was certain I was in the minority. Today, while perusing through some helpful christian blogs during C’s nap time, I realized maybe I wasn’t so alone.
Anxiety. Fear. Doubt. Worry. Worry. Worry. Worry.
Since I had Caroline, I have had this growing inner dialogue with those words playing out in my head through different potential scenarios. It can be all consuming at times when I lay in bed at night and the weight of the destruction in our world invades my exhausted mind and causes me to despair. I don’t know how anyone can turn on the news for even 5 minutes and not cry out “How long, O Lord?”
Granted, I am prone to a more pessimistic world view. I am a child of Dan Hendley whose philosophy has been “If you don’t expect much you won’t get disappointed”. And I have worked in some of the most difficult medical specialties out there having attended many funerals of children who have died from cancer. I couldn’t escape sadness even on a unit that brings so much life during my brief stint as a labor nurse. And now, my work days are filled seeing children who have been abused, neglected, and abandoned.
Whether it is my already pessimistic world view, my fresh batch of hormones post baby, or lingering issues in my psyche that are yet again rearing their head, I live in a place of almost constant anxiety.
Will my husband make it home from work in the heavy traffic?
Will my baby get sick?
What will happen if ______ dies?
Will we have enough money to pay the bills?
Am I ever going to have a clean house?
Will I screw up my children?
Seriously, folks. I could go on forever. AND I ONLY PUT THE MILD/SEMI-RATIONALE THOUGHTS. Yea. Don’t judge me.
Many times, I allow my thoughts to take me on a rollercoaster of anxiety and fear. Every once in awhile, I remember to speak truth to my heart to stop the “What If” scenario playing out in my head.
“Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? (Sarah’s side note: Because of Pinterest, Lord, its because of Pinterest!) Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore, DO NOT BE ANXIOUS.” Matthew 6:25-31
And when I can’t speak truth to myself, I sing to my little girl “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.”
So what if the bottom drops out? What if my worst nightmares come true? What will I do then?
I will rest in the knowledge that nothing that comes my way goes unnoticed by Jesus. He allows every joy and every sorrow. And I will hope that along with Job, I will be able to say “Thou He slay me, yet will I hope in Him”.
Listen to this song by Shane & Shane…its amazing…just do it.
For more reading on anxiety/fear/worry by women who make much better bloggers than me, click here:
http://www.housewifetheologian.com/god-doesnt-hand-hypotheticals/
http://www.worshiprejoices.com/2013/08/12/fear-the-monster-under-your-bed-the-light-of-the-gospel/
thevaldesfamily 
Thanks for linking to Worship Rejoices. Of course you’re not alone! Parenting has a funny way of bringing our sin to the surface. What a gift that God doesn’t leave us alone in our sin but continues to sanctify us. Persevere and know He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. (And Holla! to a fellow Houstonian!)
Thank you for this post and for the reminder.
Thank you for putting your fears and your hope in words, dear Sarah, and sharing them with us. I hope and pray that God will bring rest to your mind each day.